Navigating the Holidays

Navigating the Holidays

The holidays are coming fast!  In fact, as I write this, Christmas Eve is just 12 days away....less than 2 weeks. Every busy, working Mom has challenges at this time of year, but for those of us parenting in the special needs world, it's even more so. Let's face it. Parenting a special needs child leaves little time for much else.  Their needs don't change because it's Christmas.  They don't understand concepts such as "wait", "later", "in a minute" and sometimes they don't even care that "Santa is watching, so you should make good choices!"  My child has often said, "I don't care" in response to my statement that "Santa isn't going to leave you any toys if you keep destroying the ones you have."  He wants what he wants immediately and he doesn't want to wait on Christmas.

This is quite challenging when all you want to do is make things fun for your child and maybe enjoy the holiday a little yourself.  This year I did what I consider an extremely brave thing.  I took my son to Sesame Place for the Christmas event ALL BY MYSELF!  I rarely take him on day trips by myself because it is difficult to entertain him and keep him happy while I am driving. Let me preface this by saying, we had one of the BEST days EVER!!  It was amazing and he was a very good boy.  Minor tantrums, yes, but nothing unmanageable. That said, the day was not without its struggles. Not only did it present an energy challenge, but it presented a challenge to my behavior management skills.  Had I reacted differently to any one instance, the whole day could have gone down the tubes.  Does anyone else feel like that?  Like the house of cards can come tumbling down at a moment's notice? Say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing or even do all of the right things....sometimes you just never know.  With my child in particular, the oppositional behavior  seeps into everything we do.  "Chris, let's go have lunch with Santa!"  "I don't like Santa. I don't want to go." - Well, we paid for the tickets so we are going.  Not going? Not an option.  I drove 2.5 hours to bring this child to see Santa. We are going to see Santa.

Does this look like a child who doesn't want to see Santa?

This was our day. A series of I don’t want tos followed my Mom’s insistence that we are going to. But, the look on his face when we were actually in the moment? Priceless. 

I'd say this was a child who was completely in awe of the show he didn't want to see!

Sometimes we have to push ourselves and our children through our fears and our reluctance to get where we want to go.  I keep trying to tell Christopher that he will miss out on so much if he is constantly saying no to everything. And then I tell him, "Mommy's always right!"  LOL!!

I'm so glad I stepped out of my comfort zone and took this trip. Such a great way to start the Christmas season!!!

Is there something holding you back from doing a fun event with your child?  Are you afraid he will have a meltdown?  Are you afraid you will have a meltdown?   Don't let fear prevent you from having a little fun.  It really is ok if it doesn't work out. Next time, you will do it differently. But, if we don't keep trying to bring our children to participate in the world, they will never learn to participate in the world. We have to provide as many opportunities as we can.  Some will fail miserably. But others will be great learning experiences and make wonderful memories. Step out in faith this holiday season. Take a chance on your child and on yourself. You CAN manage whatever it is. So, schedule that holiday visit, go to that party, enjoy the Christmas lights. Skip the things which you KNOW will be a trigger but if you aren’t sure, take a chance. You may be surprised!!! Happy celebrating!

 The Witching Hour

All children have a witching hour. Neurotypical or not, there is always that time of day which is just their worst time, no matter what. For some, it’s right smack dab in the middle of the day; for others, it’s after school. Regardless of when it falls, witching hour frazzles Mom’s last nerve.

That said, the bigger problem is that Moms have a witching hour too! And when your witching hour and your child’s witching hour just happen to fall at just about the same time, in the words of the immortal Ricky Ricardo: “Oh Lucy, we have a problem.”

When Mom Has Agita

Oh my friends, the witching hour has been brutal this week! Seriously, I feel like it’s been way longer than 5 days since Mother’s Day. My son’s witching hour is usually around 5-7 pm. It doesn’t matter what time he gets up in the morning but between 5-7 pm he is a beast. Sometimes, he’s a beast right up until bedtime. (Like tonight. LOL!)

Sunday he had restaurant issues…we needed to leave in the middle of my dinner. Monday was more of the same. I must be a glutton for punishment having tried a meal out 2 nights in a row. Tuesday -he was fine until I had to tell him NO. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday: more of the same. Ordinarily, I would say it’s hard but not the end of the world. He was a bit more aggressive than I would like, but he was manageable. Except there was one major, major stumbling block. Mama’s witching hour is the exact same time. Especially, this week.

Work is extremely stressful right now. I don’t like to mix work and blog so I will be a bit vague. The best way to describe it is that I work all day long in a high stress situation and lately it has been worse than usual. By the time I get home, even after I have gone for some me time, dealing with his anger is sometimes more than I can handle. Thankfully, I have people that help but he causes them stress, too.

It truly is one of the greatest challenges I face as a Mom. How do I balance family stress and work stress without imploding? Well we know that self-care is a huge answer for that. So is time out. Oh yes – Moms need a time out.

When All Else Fails, Lock the Door!

I locked myself in my room twice this week. He was not happy. He banged on the door, wiped out the tables, knocked a few things over, lost the remote for the TV (which is still missing) and screamed a blue streak. But, I didn’t come out until I was ready.

I am the MOMMY!!! Sometimes he just cannot have his way. And sometimes Mom needs to lock the door. I won’t feel bad about that either. This may not be the most popular opinion but if he is so angry that he is flipping furniture, I would much rather stay out of the way and deal with him when he is calm.

After the Witching Hour

When the witching hour passes, usually after he has his meds, he can be the sweetest child. One of his favorite things to do, if I am sitting on my bed in my room, is to come in, say turn the lights off, give me a kiss, say good night and close the door. In fact, he just now came in and said, “Time for bed, Mommy. Shut the light and go to sleep.” How’s that for cuteness: being tucked in by a 7 year old.

Recently, a friend commented how very good I am at turning a negative into a positive. That’s true enough. I can see the positive in every situation. But going through the same challenges each day – it’s getting hard.
So here is where I reach out to you, the readers. You all have faced similar issues, I am sure. Perhaps you have an idea for me which I haven’t tried? What works for you when your child is in the witching hour? What doesn’t work?  

 Developing a Growth Mindset

If you have read a little bit of my book or on the blogs, you are likely aware that seeing growth is a very important step in giving yourself grace.  Unfortunately, one of the problem’s we face as parents of special needs kids is that growth can be hard to find.  For our kids, a baby step is huge, but we can’t always see them and when we do, we can’t always be sure that it’s growth and not just some sort of weird instance that looks like growth just to fool us.

So the other day, my son has what looks like a piece of cotton in his ear. Upon closer inspection, I see that it’s really a piece of napkin. So, I asked him what the napkin was doing in his ear.  “I put it there, Mommy. My ear was yucky.”  Traditionally, this child has always had problems with his ears.  He has had 3 sets of tubes and currently, has regular fluid drainage.  The typical prescription is drops but he hates the drops.  I finally convinced the pediatrician to try a z-pack oral antibiotic.  One dose a day and when he had it for strep, the fluid in his ears dried up.  We had some success with the antibiotic taking care of the fluid but then, recently, the fluid started draining again.  So, I said to Chris, let’s go ahead and add some drops to your ear.  He was not happy with that but I told him we should do it when we got home.  A few hours later, he comes to see me and points to his ear. Says “it’s yucky again,” and does a motion like he was squeezing drops in his ear. Wait…What?  He wanted me to put drops in his ear. I got them quickly and he laid down on the couch, let me put the drops in and then asked for cotton for his ear, which I also got immediately.  Ummm…..what happened to my child?  This is the child that kicks and screams at just the mention of ear drops and he just lets me put the drops in without a peep.  Growth? Maybe. A weird anomaly? Highly likely.

But, then,  the following day, it happened again.  I really don’t know what to make of it but I’ll accept it and hope we have continued success.  But, honestly, this situation has me thinking,  “what if there was a way that I could help this trend to continue?”

What is Growth Mindset?

In education, we identify an individual as having a growth mindset  when they believe that their talents and abilities can be developed by hard work, the use of good strategies and by input from others.  Based on the research by Carol Dweck, a psychologist from Stanford University, we have seen that children who develop a growth mindset excel and achieve much more than those who have a fixed mindset.  Essentially, those who have a fixed mindset believe that no matter how much work you put in, your skills are what they are.  Taking that a step further, if I applied that fixed mindset idea to raising a special needs child, I don’t think I would survive. So how can we apply a growth mindset at home?

Take A Cue From The Best
If you don’t already know, Christopher attends a Martial Arts program.  The motto he has learned really does take it’s cue from growth mindset and Christopher says it often.
We are, the best!
We never, give up!
Hard work, pays off!!
-HVB-

Over the past year, I have seen Christopher excel at this program in ways I really did not expect.  Their approach to the growth mindset really focuses on rewarding and praising the attempt rather than the end result.   The end result will come, if you work to get there.  My son has tested every 8 weeks for the past year to earn an new belt each time. Not every child is able to advance through the program in this way.  True, he is working at a lower level than typical for his age, but the reality is that he believes he can learn, he believes he can do better and he believes in working hard.

Translate this to what our kids do at home.  How can we change our approach as parents to encourage growth in this way?  As it happens, I was reading about growth mindset, in ADDITUDE magazine about how often times, no matter how much praise you give a child, they get stuck on easy problems or refuse to try new things.   So here I am writing about it and the exact same things which I want to say turn up in my email this morning.  The article goes on to say that when children are praised for “being smart” – ie “You did such a great job on this puzzle. You are so smart.” –  eventually begin to quit on themselves.  They convince themselves that  doing something = smart; not doing it = not smart.   If I am not smart, what’s the point?
How many times have you said to your child something like, “Great job taking your medicine!” or something simple like “You did it!!!” or, even  said something like, “What were you doing? You made a mess.”, when your child tried to be independent and get his own milk.   I’m quite embarrassed to say, I’ve made that mistake.  My child did not feel good about having tried to do something for himself and my reaction made him afraid to try it again.

What if I had turned it around?  “Christopher, Mommy is so proud of you for trying to get your own milk.  It’s ok that it spilled because we can clean it up together.  I’ll help you.” – I think, looking back, he would feel better about himself and be more willing to try again.  Mistakes are not so scary because we can learn from them.

Circling back to the ear drops – what’s the better response?  “Great job letting me put the eardrops in!” or “Mommy is so proud of you for trying so hard to get the eardrops in your ears.” ???

Whether we are successful or not, the attempt has to be rewarded. Success and growth is not whether or not he actually laid still for me to put the ear drops in his ears,  it’s that he was willing to try even though he really hates the feeling of those ear drops.  Success is trying and that’s how we can see growth.

For ourselves, as parents, we need to know that our kids can learn. They can improve. They can make changes.  We also need to know that we can too.  Growth is understanding that I didn’t have success getting my child to comply with getting dressed this morning because I was so sure that he was going to give me a hard time that I didn’t give him the opportunity to even make the attempt to comply.    Mom will do better tomorrow.  Today, I will give myself a bit of grace, forgive myself for my mistakes, and remember that in spite of my mistakes, I can still love myself and love my child.

If you would like to read more about growth mindset you can find additional information at this link: https://www.additudemag.com/slideshows/school-anxiety-in-children-with-adhd/
Although Additude Magazine focuses on children with ADHD, I find it an excellent resource for information which can be applied to other special needs, as well.

 Mommy, I Need…..

Recently I had the opportunity to do a read aloud with a kindergarten class using the story “The Good Egg” by Jory John and Pete Oswald.  If you have never heard of this book series, I highly recommend it. As I was reading the story, there were two things that occurred to me: 1 – it was just as much for the adults as it was for the kids, and 2 – our kids learn self-care from watching us.

In the story, we hear about “The Good Egg” in a carton of eggs who basically cares so much about everyone else in the carton that he forgets to take care of himself.  He worries that the other egg friends don’t go to bed when they are supposed to, they aren’t nice to each other, they cry for no reason,  and they have tantrums. Meanwhile, the Good Egg continues to do everything for everybody.  Soon the Good Egg realizes that he has neglected himself so much that his shell is cracked.  The Good Egg takes drastic measures and needs to walk away from the carton in order to heal.  Eventually, the Good Egg returns to the carton and he determines that he must take care of himself first.

I literally almost cried when I was teaching this story to the class. Not only does it reinforce what I have learned about taking care of myself, but it hits on so many very important skills for the kids.  But what I realized, perhaps for the first time, is that while we teach our children to do things like brush their teeth, take a shower, and eat 3 meals, we often don’t teach them how important it is to take care of other things like when they need some space, or when they just need to feel good.  Our kids need to learn to identify those times when they are running on empty.

Making the Connection

We know when we are running on empty. We know when our shells are cracked.   If you’re like me, it’s a place you are all too familiar with.  We just don’t always know what to do to fix it.  But unlike the good egg in the story, we can’t leave our carton and go off on a mission to find ourselves. We can, however, stop the cracks before they get out of control.  I don’t want to ever get to  the point where I feel as if I need to leave like the Good Egg did.
I could make a list for you of all of the things you can do for yourself to make sure that you are not running on empty.  But, I think it would be super helpful if you did that for yourself. So I want you to think about something you can do each day of the week for yourself.  Whether it’s 5 minutes or 15 minutes; if it’s taking a bubble bath or reading a book – do something for you as a person.
I also want you to take it one step further – I want you to talk about it with your child. We need to model taking care of ourselves for our children.  My son is the king of asking why.  I am not shy about telling him “Sometimes Mommy needs alone time.”  “Listening to music makes Mommy feel happy.”   Let your child know when you need to do something for yourself.  I will even follow that with “What makes Christopher feel good?” or “What makes Christopher feel calm?”

If we don’t teach our children to be mindful of their own emotions and their own needs, it will be harder for them to learn to follow through with that as adults.   We need to make those connections for them and model self-care for them so that in the long run, they can do it for themselves.
 

Mommy, I need…….

Sometimes I think these words are the beginning of my son’s favorite sentence: “Mommy, I need…..”
“What do you need?”, I ask.
“I need something,” he says.
Again, I ask, “What do you need?”
“I don’t know….something.”

And then we play 20 questions as I try to figure out what he needs at that given point in time. When he is calm and regulated, it’s a pretty easy conversation.  When he is hysterical crying and has no idea why, things are a bit harder.  As parents, we often are able to look at our kids and instinctively know what they need.  Automatically, we fill that need. But if we don’t help them understand it, they will never be able to mediate their own emotions.

Circling this back around to how we mediate our emotions as adults, I often wonder if it’s harder for us to navigate emotional self-care because our needs were automatically met through the routines which were established for us?  Routine is a wonderful thing.  Most of us rely on it.  I am at my best when I go to sleep at the same time every night, get up at the same time every morning, and have the same coffee at the same time each day. (Don’t mess with my coffee!!!)   But what happens when that routine goes haywire?  As typical adults, we have a really difficult time navigating those sudden changes.  How do we expect that our neurodivergent children can navigate through those changes?

If I overreact when something unexpected and out of the ordinary occurs, my child is going to learn to overreact in those same circumstances. And, let me tell you, his overreaction will be way worse than mine.  We have to learn emotional self-care and self-regulation so that we can manage these situations and by modeling this for our kids, we will give them a foundation for learning to do it for themselves.
So, when I’m feeling like my shell is cracked, I will say my shell is cracked.  I will tell my son, “If Mommy takes a break right now,  we will be able to do something fun later.”  And, when I question whether or not self-care is me just being selfish, I remember that in addition to taking care of my own needs, I’m teaching my child how important it is to take care of his own needs.